This is actually the last thing on the list, but since I had nightmares about this very subject this is where I will begin.
The Zombie Apocalypse and my plan for it:
Zombies Vs. Unicorns is a great way to be inspired for this event. (I love this photo!)
(Zombies totally win! No questions asked!)
In the case that you are undead for the zombie plague here are my guidelines: In all Honesty when the zombie plague ravishes the globe (and it will!) I hope to be one of the infected. I want to hunt people down groaning obnoxiously, oozing my brain juice through my ears, and making people of all shapes and sizes crap themselves cause I'm so scary. Doesn't that sound more fun than being chased by the zombies? I think it does.
Step 1: Cheer a little. You get to be a zombie! That's awesome! Just enjoy the moment.
Step 2: Practice your moan. You can't be a good zombie without a zombie moan! and it has to be unique. Other wise the frightened villagers won't be able to tell you apart from the other zombies and you will just be part of the pack. You want to be distinguished as an individual zombie who could, single-handily, send the world into a raving panic. "Brains" is always a good way to start out.
Step 3: If you do not have a loose or missing limb/body part, lose one. It adds to the effect.
Step 4: Find a village to infect and/or terrorize.
Step 5: limp slowly to the village using your signature moan as a prelude to your terror! use a hilltop if you can so they can see you coming and begin their inevitable panic.
Step 6: Proceed to eat the weak and elderly. They won't be very good zombies anyway and you don't want to starve.
Step 7: Leave your zombie infection everywhere you can. Since the plague has not yet taken over I am unaware of how it will spread. You can figure it out and share it with your victims accordingly.
Step 8: avoid the zombie hunters. They are bad ju-ju! Maybe pillage a bullet proof vest/SWAT gear. (a note: please bury me in SWAT gear so I will be prepared for the zombie hunters.)
Step 9: Be awesome! You're a friggin' Zombie! It's not hard.
<------This is my zombie face:
Sadly we won't all be able to become the awesome Zombies. In the case that you are a zombie's preferred dinner, make sure you have each of the following items:
1. Get a gun! This is your number one defense, no matter what.
2. Chain Saw. You can't expect to kick Zombie trash without your chainsaw. Come on.
3. Twinkies. I haven't actually seen Zombieland, but I've heard they're pretty important.
4. You're going to need a fortress. Like an old Pot farm, or abandoned sky scraper. Something easily defended against the infected population.
5. Find a doctor/scientist. If you have one they'll probably find a cure to the Zombie disease while you're out kicking ass.
6. a very attractive member of the opposite sex. If your doctor/scientest dies (or if you shamefully skipped step 5) you're going to need someone to repopulate the earth with. Maybe multiple because odds are some people are gonna die. So get a bunch of your most sexually active friends and start reproducing!
7. LOTS of extra ammo. You're probably out numbered by the zombies so you'll need a lot. don't be above robbing a redneck gun shop. I'm sure they'll understand. Unless they're zombies. Then they'll eat you.
8. Balls and/or nerves of steel. If one of your friends gets infected you're gonna have to get the balls to shoot them in the face so they don't start trying to eat you. I suggest you start growing a pair now before its too late and you chicken out. This could ultimately lead to the destruction of your beginning civilization and we don't want that do we?
9. Get out there and totally own the zombies! (even though secretly they're cooler than you.) Hopefully by the time you're bitten and awaiting your tragic death you'll either have plenty of kids to keep the earth populated, or your scientist friend will have found a cure and you can be saved! So go out there and be AWESOME!
9 3/4. (Emily this is just for you.) Pringles. ;) I'll leave it at that.
I hope you enjoyed my plan for the zombie apocalypse. I hope to see you all there. I'll be the awesome zombie in the front moaning "brains" and cackling manically at my own awesomeness.
Live long and undead! (I should sign all my emails with that.)
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