I need to know

I am blogging tonight, because I feel the need to share todays events. These are thoughts I'm not comfortable sharing out loud, nor am I really able.

I got a call from my mother today informing me that she needed my help with dinner because she had stuff she needed to take care of. when I asked what she said "I can't tell you." my response: "I hate it when you say that." Her response: "It's pretty obvious who its about." translation for the ignorant. "your father is being a dick again, and i have to take care of it now."

Needless to say I avoided being home for most of the day. My home environment is not great after Mom is dealing with my father. When I did end up home, Mom was locked in her room, and obviously in a bad mood.

So when time came for family prayers I went to see her. She was sitting on her bed in silence, and Jeane was not happy to find me talking to her, but Mother dismissed her, (does that sound like Jeane is our servant and mother the queen? it does to me! moving on.) and I told her everything was going to be alright, because that usually reassures her a little. she just goes stone cold and says. "yeah." I insisted that wasn't good enough. So I told her to go read D&C 121-122, because its what we studied in seminary today, and it made me feel pretty great and she just said "I'm not in the mood." for a girl who watched her father leave the church and be excommunicated, this phrase frightened me. what was worse was her next little rant. "Evil will always win. It always does. It will get better eventually, just so something else can happen." i was speechless. I don't think she realizes how influenced I am by what she says to me. I just stared at her, kissed her goodnight and left.

I don't know what to think. To be honest I'm afraid. I'm not sure why my father can't decide to marry his mistress and leave us all alone! i don't know why my mother can't take my advice because i think it would help!

I need to know, that she's wrong. That evil will not prevail and that no matter how dark the world seems around us, there is hope somewhere. i should probably be strong enough to realize that on my own, and i really do believe it, but... i'm afraid that thought will be in my head now. like i said i'm an impressionable child.

i have too many questions no one can answer. I'm ready to get as far away from this place as i can, and live my own life without anyone pulling me back and forth. (are my blogs long winded? i hope i'm not boring you!)

another thought: When you're seminary teacher tells you to write down a trial you're going through on a paper and switch around so its anonymous, its humbling to see your paper says "my grandpa died, and aunt got excommunicated on the same day." but it really puts the world into perspective when two people read the papers out loud and both say that they are abused by their fathers. my stomach dropped, and i wanted to cry. Its real. Not just something you hear about. People you know are being hit by the people who should protect them. if you know who they are, save them. if you don't, find out.

Dear God, Save us from ourselves, from each other and bring us home.