I need to know

I am blogging tonight, because I feel the need to share todays events. These are thoughts I'm not comfortable sharing out loud, nor am I really able.

I got a call from my mother today informing me that she needed my help with dinner because she had stuff she needed to take care of. when I asked what she said "I can't tell you." my response: "I hate it when you say that." Her response: "It's pretty obvious who its about." translation for the ignorant. "your father is being a dick again, and i have to take care of it now."

Needless to say I avoided being home for most of the day. My home environment is not great after Mom is dealing with my father. When I did end up home, Mom was locked in her room, and obviously in a bad mood.

So when time came for family prayers I went to see her. She was sitting on her bed in silence, and Jeane was not happy to find me talking to her, but Mother dismissed her, (does that sound like Jeane is our servant and mother the queen? it does to me! moving on.) and I told her everything was going to be alright, because that usually reassures her a little. she just goes stone cold and says. "yeah." I insisted that wasn't good enough. So I told her to go read D&C 121-122, because its what we studied in seminary today, and it made me feel pretty great and she just said "I'm not in the mood." for a girl who watched her father leave the church and be excommunicated, this phrase frightened me. what was worse was her next little rant. "Evil will always win. It always does. It will get better eventually, just so something else can happen." i was speechless. I don't think she realizes how influenced I am by what she says to me. I just stared at her, kissed her goodnight and left.

I don't know what to think. To be honest I'm afraid. I'm not sure why my father can't decide to marry his mistress and leave us all alone! i don't know why my mother can't take my advice because i think it would help!

I need to know, that she's wrong. That evil will not prevail and that no matter how dark the world seems around us, there is hope somewhere. i should probably be strong enough to realize that on my own, and i really do believe it, but... i'm afraid that thought will be in my head now. like i said i'm an impressionable child.

i have too many questions no one can answer. I'm ready to get as far away from this place as i can, and live my own life without anyone pulling me back and forth. (are my blogs long winded? i hope i'm not boring you!)

another thought: When you're seminary teacher tells you to write down a trial you're going through on a paper and switch around so its anonymous, its humbling to see your paper says "my grandpa died, and aunt got excommunicated on the same day." but it really puts the world into perspective when two people read the papers out loud and both say that they are abused by their fathers. my stomach dropped, and i wanted to cry. Its real. Not just something you hear about. People you know are being hit by the people who should protect them. if you know who they are, save them. if you don't, find out.

Dear God, Save us from ourselves, from each other and bring us home.

The Tuesday Theory.

So today is Tuesday.... I hate Tuesdays... a lot. Nothing ever happens on Tuesdays, and its just painful. So this is my Tuesday Theory: Find something totally awesome to do on Tuesdays. Like watching a great movie, or going to a park. you used to be able to get into the dinosaur museum for two dollars on Tuesday. You can't now, because they hate us. Stupid.

So guess what I did on Tuesday? NOTHING! I got home, took a nap, despite the advice of my best friend. (but due to her advice it wasn't a long one.) and then I did my homework, and watched TV, before watching Lilo and Stitch with my family. That was the highlight of my day. That movie rocks so hard core.

What do we learn from this? Do as I say, not as I do.

Today is also the beginning of PMS depression week, which is why I don't feel like doing anything. everyone seems more obnoxious, and everything seems too hard. I hate this feeling more than I can describe, because there is no rhyme or reason to why I'm feeling depressed, other than hormones. I've come to the conclusion, that hormones are sent from the devil and I will have mine removed. :)

Due to this PMS Depression, when my aunt, informs me once again, that she will not be leaving our house, but staying another day, I tried very hard to be polite. And when she asks me if I think my mom will be mad I am thinking "Grow a pair and ask her yourself! It's no wonder I don't talk to people! no one in this family does!" but I restrained.

Another note: my father is apparently in deep crap with RC Willey, and has an account there with my mother. my parents have been divorced for over three years. let's just say, he's in BIG trouble with Mama Bear. He also wants me to work for him this week, and I really need the money, but I don't want to spend my week alone with my father because guess what? when I do! I come home feeling like someone just took a giant crap on my face. literally. not literally, that's disgusting. (name that movie and I will.... I don't know. we'll discuss a prize.). And due to his finical irresponsibility, he will not let me hire one of my friends. and the hole in my empty wallet is starting to tell me I should suck it up and work for him, until I can find another job.

So tomorrow is Job Hunting Day! if you have any connections, or suggestions, please lemme know! If you can help me get a job not only will i love you forever, but I will make you Congo Cookies.*

I was in a worse mood when I started this blog, but I feel better already! woo hoo! lets hope the Depression doesn't continue. Blog Therapy! who needs to pay a therapist? all you need is blogs and bubble wrap. (fifteen dollars at walmart.... fyi.)

*Congo Cookies: the recipe that will make me famous one day, and the greatest way to bribe people into doing what I want, or showing appreciation. Easy, delicious and a family secret. (Emily and Nikki are family)

Why?

hello Blog followers. i'm not sure how many of you there will actually be, if any. but as my dearest friend Emily and I were discussing the other day, I do not communicate with people. I really don't like confronting people about anything, no matter how small. So using her wonderful advice "You're a writer, use it." this seemed like a good option. I will now be pouring out my poor little heart to the entire internet! This will include my psycho analysis of myself and others (I do this a little more often than I probably should, but you know, whatever. I'm not crazy.... yet.) my feelings on all subjects, and probably some funny stories that I'm too lazy to put in my other blog (which if you aren't following you should, cause its HILARIOUS! awesomestuffwesay.blogspot.com)

have fun... enjoy my rants