I've been thinking about writing lately, but not doing much of it. It has taken me a week to write a chapter and I still haven't finished it. I wonder why that is. Because truthfully I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just being lazy. But that needs to stop. A lot of things about me need to change. I've been noticing this the last few days. Like how I don't really speak my mind when it counts. I'm an after thought. I can reflect on something with a strong opinion and passion, but not when it would actually mean anything. This, I believe, is a fatal flaw. Someday I won't say something important and it will change my life, and I probably won't like it.
Also I've become extremely apathetic. I am trying not to let other people's emotions and thoughts take such a hold on me the way they did, but here I am and I'm not saying anything. Not because of the above issue, but because. . . I don't have anything to say, unless its "I don't know, and frankly I don't give a damn." I don't know if that's a good thing. Half the time I feel like I'm getting better, the other half I wonder if I've made any progress at all.
What I really want is to talk to Doug about all this (All of you reading probably know who Doug is, but if you don't, he's my therapist. and probably one of my favorite people ever!) I want his feed back, his advice and opinion. But our insurance is being dumb and we don't know if we can afford him anymore right now. I didn't think I would mind. It gives me a chance to practice what I've been taught, only I miss him. If you knew Doug that wouldn't sound quite so odd. He's like the grandpa you always wanted. I miss group therapy, and watching all these people open up to me in a way they don't to anyone else. but even there I don't really speak, not often. I like to listen.
I don't know why all this is on my mind, but it is. So is school. I'm excited to be a senior, I have great classes with my best friends, and after we graduate, I'll be living with Emily. I'll finally get the chance to run as far from this place as possible. But. . . no one seems to believe that I can. No one think I can find a way to afford college, even if they don't say it, I can see it in their eyes. They fake a smile and tell me how fun that will be but their eyes say "You're an idiot. You can't do that. Why would you ever leave this little piece of paradise? Why would you want to?" This is exactly why I need to get away. I want to be on my own, and experience life. A life that no one can give to me here. I understand reality, and how hard this will be, but it would just be nice if someone believe in me. I guess I miss Doug for that too. He's the only person that has made me look at reality, but he doesn't want to shoot it down. He thinks I can do it, because he believes in me.
I need ice cream. I need to go out with my best friend, and see a movie and just enjoy summer a little while longer. I need to pack for Girls Camp :P. I think I need to apologize to Emily, and Cami and really everyone. I'm sorry you feel bad for me. I promise you I have a good life, and it is getting better. I've learned that I have it pretty good, I just think I get wrapped up in pessimism and it consumes me. So I'm sorry, but Thank you, for being around to help me when I needed you. I promise someday I'll repay the favor. Also specifically to Emily; you don't give me nightmares, so don't worry about it. I went a whole night without being shot or raped! or tattooed for that matter. :) Deep is a beautiful thing, and needs to be published someday in the not too distant future. Also I love you guys a lot. maybe I don't say that enough and really mean it. But I do. You're the best thing in my life and the only reason I'm still going.
