Doing Crystal Meth Will Lift You Up Until You Break

I feel like a drug addict. I know I have a problem. I know it hurts me, and probably others. I want to stop. But I don't know how.

We are taught all our lives in church and school, and any decent places that feel obligated to teach you how to act properly, that we should care for others. They never ever said that could go wrong. Maybe there is no way for them to know it can. J.O.Y. is how we should live. Jesus first. Others second. Yourself third.

This is horribly flawed. At least for me. I will be my Christ first in my life because I believe He will help me. If I continue to put others before myself I will never get better.

Thank you to my dearest friends who have promised (oathed if we had had ketchup or were willing to spit our hands and shake) to tell me when I'm doing it. And to Cami who will take me to on a drive just so I can relax (plus chocolate turn overs). I am lost without these people in my life, but you can see my other page to know about that.

I know it will help to notice when I do it,

but I am not sure what to do with that. I would probably be better if I talked to Doug, had his input, but I don't think we can't afford it anymore. Lets pray I can fix this. I need to be better. . . I'm just not sure how. Who knows? Please tell me I'd like to know.

Does anyone else have this problem? Somewhere out there, there has to be another over-sympathizer (this is my self diagnosis). We should start a support group. The part that really sucks is, I should be the one who can control this, but I can't, not really.

I'm an addict. I have abused something good to the point where it is dangerous with the illusion that I could control it. Now that I've lost control I can't find a way back to sobriety.

Well now that I have vented my more depressing thoughts and feelings I will tell you something great, because I've decided I'm not a happy enough person in blogs and journals so...

The Zombie Apocalypse? Yeah. It's already happened. about 200,000 years ago. there were multiple human like species on the earth at the same time and then .2 million years ago, for no reason geologists can explain with an earth quake or volcano eruption, or something like that, they all died. All except for a small group of Homo-Sapiens. (and a few Hom

o-neadrathals but they died out shortly after.) These few homo-Sapiens have now 7 billion ancestors that rule this earth.

The explanation? Disease. But what kind of disease? OBVIOUSLY Zombie-ism.

Thank you Joseph Buck Atwood. (Also according to Brother Sunshine, more people are abducted by aliens on fridays.)

I will leave my druggie life behind to become a conspiracy theorist. just call me Hodgins.

This is what I imagine it looked like. or at least something of the sort. ---->

BBC ruined my life.

it seems when ever I write on this blog I'm horribly upset about something. Don't feel bad, it's the same way with my journals. which is why I rarely keep them. The less I write the happier I am. Someday future generations will read my blog/journal and think "Damn, she was a pitiful person. never had a positive thing to say on life.". this is untrue, but they'll have no proof of the contrary. I'll go down in history as a total pessimist. that is not entirely untrue. I like pessimism, either I'm right or I'm pleasantly surprised.

So I'll start today's blog with a more positive thought before I begin to rant. Group therapy is the best thing in the world. I would marry every single one of the boys in there if I were allowed to. (Since I can't, and respect them all too much to break that rule, I'll just love them like family.) And each girl in there is an idol of mine, and I want to be more like them. also loved like family. So thank you Chandler and Taylor, and Krissy and Harrison, for going before me, and making me go, no matter how scared I was. You're the reason I am as sane as I am.

Speaking of my sanity! Time to rant about why this post is titled BBC ruined my life.

A note to women everywhere. When you're PMSing horribly, and are too cramped up and gross feeling to get off the couch for more than ten minutes, do not, under any circumstances, watch eight episodes of BBC's Robin Hood. especially not the last eight episodes. You will cry, and then you'll want to die.

As you can guess, this is what I did today. My uterus is causing me horrible pain for the sake of future children (who as I told my mother, better be freaking awesome for me to go through this much pain every month!!) so I decided to watch a little Robin Hood, with no intent to finish the series.... but I did. I knew full well Guy of Gisbourne would fall in love with a girl in prison who would die in his arms, still I wanted to cry. I could pin point the very scene where Allan of Dale would be shot by the sherrif's men and his body brought to his friends, still I screamed a little. Gisbourne was going to be stabbed, yet I gasped, and almost died a little just then, because as always I fell in love with the misguided bad guy. And when he gave poison to his sister, I knew it would be the death of Robin Hood. But I cried anyways. the only thing that got me through this traumatic foresight was the fact that Maid Marian, who died a season before, would come for Robin's soul. instead of Kate, who, despite her awesome name, I dislike. mostly because she falls for Robin, like every girl, and not for Much. (its ok though, they secretly fall in love afterwards.)

It seems like a problem that I get so attached to fictional characters, but despite the fact that Meghan Lanae Carpenter thinks I need proffesional help, I don't care. I have great reasons for wanting to die in a hole now that Robin is dead. and for being terribly distraught every time a character I love in a TV series, movie, or book dies.

The First: As everyone woman in my house, and probably everywhere, will understand. I'm PMSing. Thus all hormones are raging wildly. So today, I'm allowed to yell at Sarah for laughing at Robin Hood.

The second: I do not have a boyfriend or love life of my own (or really a life at all for that matter), and so I live vicariously through books/movies/tv shows etc. So I become extremely emotionally attached to said characters. This makes their deaths a lot more traumatic for me, its like losing a friend.

The last: As a writer, I create characters that I grow attached to (and then kill off...) with said types of media, I relate to the writers or creators, and understand they must feel the same for their characters as well. I sympathize with them, which doesn't help.

So, now that I've had time to grieve over the loss of Robin Hood, I would like to say something to Robert Jordan/Brandon Sanderson. If any of the characters die in the end of Wheel of Time, I will hunt you down (in this life and the next so don't think your off the hook just cause your dead Jordan!) and cause you pain. lots of pain. I will then proceed to have a memorial service for the lost character, and probably die a slow death from grief. that is all... good day.

I Picture Myself Running Like Hell

It's been months I think since my last post. I really doubt anyone reads this religiously, because it's not that exciting. If you do however read this like its the bible, my apologies for being so long between posts, and... give me a call, we'll have a chat about the fact that you probably need mental help. Just saying.

I've been thinking about writing lately, but not doing much of it. It has taken me a week to write a chapter and I still haven't finished it. I wonder why that is. Because truthfully I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just being lazy. But that needs to stop. A lot of things about me need to change. I've been noticing this the last few days. Like how I don't really speak my mind when it counts. I'm an after thought. I can reflect on something with a strong opinion and passion, but not when it would actually mean anything. This, I believe, is a fatal flaw. Someday I won't say something important and it will change my life, and I probably won't like it.

Also I've become extremely apathetic. I am trying not to let other people's emotions and thoughts take such a hold on me the way they did, but here I am and I'm not saying anything. Not because of the above issue, but because. . . I don't have anything to say, unless its "I don't know, and frankly I don't give a damn." I don't know if that's a good thing. Half the time I feel like I'm getting better, the other half I wonder if I've made any progress at all.

What I really want is to talk to Doug about all this (All of you reading probably know who Doug is, but if you don't, he's my therapist. and probably one of my favorite people ever!) I want his feed back, his advice and opinion. But our insurance is being dumb and we don't know if we can afford him anymore right now. I didn't think I would mind. It gives me a chance to practice what I've been taught, only I miss him. If you knew Doug that wouldn't sound quite so odd. He's like the grandpa you always wanted. I miss group therapy, and watching all these people open up to me in a way they don't to anyone else. but even there I don't really speak, not often. I like to listen.

I don't know why all this is on my mind, but it is. So is school. I'm excited to be a senior, I have great classes with my best friends, and after we graduate, I'll be living with Emily. I'll finally get the chance to run as far from this place as possible. But. . . no one seems to believe that I can. No one think I can find a way to afford college, even if they don't say it, I can see it in their eyes. They fake a smile and tell me how fun that will be but their eyes say "You're an idiot. You can't do that. Why would you ever leave this little piece of paradise? Why would you want to?" This is exactly why I need to get away. I want to be on my own, and experience life. A life that no one can give to me here. I understand reality, and how hard this will be, but it would just be nice if someone believe in me. I guess I miss Doug for that too. He's the only person that has made me look at reality, but he doesn't want to shoot it down. He thinks I can do it, because he believes in me.

I need ice cream. I need to go out with my best friend, and see a movie and just enjoy summer a little while longer. I need to pack for Girls Camp :P. I think I need to apologize to Emily, and Cami and really everyone. I'm sorry you feel bad for me. I promise you I have a good life, and it is getting better. I've learned that I have it pretty good, I just think I get wrapped up in pessimism and it consumes me. So I'm sorry, but Thank you, for being around to help me when I needed you. I promise someday I'll repay the favor. Also specifically to Emily; you don't give me nightmares, so don't worry about it. I went a whole night without being shot or raped! or tattooed for that matter. :) Deep is a beautiful thing, and needs to be published someday in the not too distant future. Also I love you guys a lot. maybe I don't say that enough and really mean it. But I do. You're the best thing in my life and the only reason I'm still going.

Funny Face

i don't think i really have a voice. thank you King's Speech for reminding me that i should. so here are all my thoughts right now.

i love it when Emily drops the F-bomb. its the funniest thing in the world!

we live in a beautiful place, and i wish people wouldn't ruin that. i wish people didn't suck... i wish people didn't think it was ok to hurt and manipulate other people. i wish they realized what they do to people. What tiny things that they say or do that can change others for worse or for better. I wonder why it is that i feel like a people think i am a lump of clay to be molded and twisted and thrown away.

This week has not been great. i feel depressed and the only reason i can understand is because I'm overwhelmed. i keep telling myself its just one of those days, and it will go away, but its the waiting for it to go away that hurts. i was told today that you can choose to be happy. That is easier said than done. how do you just tell yourself "be happy!" when you're life feels like its a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.

Rent anAudrey Hepburn movie thats how! God

created Hepburn so i could be happy. (purple text helps too.)

i don't know how to be strong for someone else, not really. Not when they probably need it the most. i don't know what to say or whether or not the stupid life lessons i've taught myself apply to anyone else.

i'm sick of being proven wrong because i was stupid enough to believe someone how continuously proves to me he is a lying.... i can't think of a word for him. some seem too strong and some not strong enough. i'm sick of being lied to, ignored, manipulated, and silent. i want to scream at the top of my lungs.

i thank Allah for Cambria Hobbs who let me forget my world for a while today, and took me to a park with swings over a river, and lots of screaming and a little frost bite. (a note to cambria, i think we should write a note to the people who made that place and leave it on the tree.) thank you friends for being the reason i survive.

we're like gypsies but with worse luck and far less gold

here is a fact: when its my time of the month, and i stay up until 12 AM telling Chandler about my deepest rooted fears of men (you're a good friend for actually listening fyi) i get super gushy. so i wrote my four best friends letters on my blog. they were SOOOOPER (i like that spelling better) gushy. but despite the gooshiness its all true. i love my friends more than life itself. but we i am not always a serious emotional person. so here are my happy thoughts for the day. (and its colorful for happiness!)

1. why are feminine hygein products put in really bright packaging. its like you're asking people to say "hey! look who's on their period!"

2. Why are people so stupid?! you would think that more than like forty percent of the people who come into a college textbook store would be fairly intelligent. then again its at UVU.

3. Watching How I Met Your Mother for An hour and half, and laughing my face off. Then googling Neil Patrick Harris, because he's so hot and sadly gay. but has two kids. Then learning he was Mark in Rent, and sang a Rent song with his husband. made my day.

4. getting complained about in Chick-fil-a for saying inappropriate things too loud in front of an old couple and their grandkids. i feel kinda bad about it, but mostly i thought it was just funny.

5. four weeks left until i am in new york city! i am so excited! what a way to start a summer!

so those were your happy thoughts from Kate. all in all a good saturday.

I need to know

I am blogging tonight, because I feel the need to share todays events. These are thoughts I'm not comfortable sharing out loud, nor am I really able.

I got a call from my mother today informing me that she needed my help with dinner because she had stuff she needed to take care of. when I asked what she said "I can't tell you." my response: "I hate it when you say that." Her response: "It's pretty obvious who its about." translation for the ignorant. "your father is being a dick again, and i have to take care of it now."

Needless to say I avoided being home for most of the day. My home environment is not great after Mom is dealing with my father. When I did end up home, Mom was locked in her room, and obviously in a bad mood.

So when time came for family prayers I went to see her. She was sitting on her bed in silence, and Jeane was not happy to find me talking to her, but Mother dismissed her, (does that sound like Jeane is our servant and mother the queen? it does to me! moving on.) and I told her everything was going to be alright, because that usually reassures her a little. she just goes stone cold and says. "yeah." I insisted that wasn't good enough. So I told her to go read D&C 121-122, because its what we studied in seminary today, and it made me feel pretty great and she just said "I'm not in the mood." for a girl who watched her father leave the church and be excommunicated, this phrase frightened me. what was worse was her next little rant. "Evil will always win. It always does. It will get better eventually, just so something else can happen." i was speechless. I don't think she realizes how influenced I am by what she says to me. I just stared at her, kissed her goodnight and left.

I don't know what to think. To be honest I'm afraid. I'm not sure why my father can't decide to marry his mistress and leave us all alone! i don't know why my mother can't take my advice because i think it would help!

I need to know, that she's wrong. That evil will not prevail and that no matter how dark the world seems around us, there is hope somewhere. i should probably be strong enough to realize that on my own, and i really do believe it, but... i'm afraid that thought will be in my head now. like i said i'm an impressionable child.

i have too many questions no one can answer. I'm ready to get as far away from this place as i can, and live my own life without anyone pulling me back and forth. (are my blogs long winded? i hope i'm not boring you!)

another thought: When you're seminary teacher tells you to write down a trial you're going through on a paper and switch around so its anonymous, its humbling to see your paper says "my grandpa died, and aunt got excommunicated on the same day." but it really puts the world into perspective when two people read the papers out loud and both say that they are abused by their fathers. my stomach dropped, and i wanted to cry. Its real. Not just something you hear about. People you know are being hit by the people who should protect them. if you know who they are, save them. if you don't, find out.

Dear God, Save us from ourselves, from each other and bring us home.

The Tuesday Theory.

So today is Tuesday.... I hate Tuesdays... a lot. Nothing ever happens on Tuesdays, and its just painful. So this is my Tuesday Theory: Find something totally awesome to do on Tuesdays. Like watching a great movie, or going to a park. you used to be able to get into the dinosaur museum for two dollars on Tuesday. You can't now, because they hate us. Stupid.

So guess what I did on Tuesday? NOTHING! I got home, took a nap, despite the advice of my best friend. (but due to her advice it wasn't a long one.) and then I did my homework, and watched TV, before watching Lilo and Stitch with my family. That was the highlight of my day. That movie rocks so hard core.

What do we learn from this? Do as I say, not as I do.

Today is also the beginning of PMS depression week, which is why I don't feel like doing anything. everyone seems more obnoxious, and everything seems too hard. I hate this feeling more than I can describe, because there is no rhyme or reason to why I'm feeling depressed, other than hormones. I've come to the conclusion, that hormones are sent from the devil and I will have mine removed. :)

Due to this PMS Depression, when my aunt, informs me once again, that she will not be leaving our house, but staying another day, I tried very hard to be polite. And when she asks me if I think my mom will be mad I am thinking "Grow a pair and ask her yourself! It's no wonder I don't talk to people! no one in this family does!" but I restrained.

Another note: my father is apparently in deep crap with RC Willey, and has an account there with my mother. my parents have been divorced for over three years. let's just say, he's in BIG trouble with Mama Bear. He also wants me to work for him this week, and I really need the money, but I don't want to spend my week alone with my father because guess what? when I do! I come home feeling like someone just took a giant crap on my face. literally. not literally, that's disgusting. (name that movie and I will.... I don't know. we'll discuss a prize.). And due to his finical irresponsibility, he will not let me hire one of my friends. and the hole in my empty wallet is starting to tell me I should suck it up and work for him, until I can find another job.

So tomorrow is Job Hunting Day! if you have any connections, or suggestions, please lemme know! If you can help me get a job not only will i love you forever, but I will make you Congo Cookies.*

I was in a worse mood when I started this blog, but I feel better already! woo hoo! lets hope the Depression doesn't continue. Blog Therapy! who needs to pay a therapist? all you need is blogs and bubble wrap. (fifteen dollars at walmart.... fyi.)

*Congo Cookies: the recipe that will make me famous one day, and the greatest way to bribe people into doing what I want, or showing appreciation. Easy, delicious and a family secret. (Emily and Nikki are family)